Life

I need to start living again rather than existing. I seem to just survive rather than doing anything to alter my life. I don’t know where to start. No friends left to have a social life or to meet other people. No clubs I can seem to find just to get out of the house. I am happier but I want more in my life or he’s won. Not suggesting a romantic relationship again just a life. 

Abuse Is ABUSE

Change

Change is a scary thing but you will get over an abusive partner and come out stronger given time. The scars will fade. Learn to love them as they are reminders of what you have endured in the relationship. Try not to rush into any  
new relationships but learn to be on your own at first. That way you be less inclined to put up with a new abusive partner. Learn to listen to your gut. If it says someone is no good for you trust that.  

Why do we miss the signs?

We have all grown up wth that song that warns of abusive relationships but we still go down that route. For me it was Eurythmics. Most of their songs were written about abuse from the lead singer. http://youtu.be/iQpJqtfCmcM

The lead singer not only survived abuse but went on to be in one of the biggest band in the 80’s,  political activist and philanthropist

http://youtu.be/zSTXNOFjAQ4

Survivor

We often think of victims of abuse as weak. This is a mistake as normally what a weaker person would do is walk away rather than choose to deal with the problems of the partner. Giving up on a marriage a lot quicker than we would as we are too strong and endure more in the name of love. We are strong and we will manage very well after we split from the abusive partner but it’s getting our minds in that forward thinking and not worrying about failing at our marriages rather than thinking they were the ones that threw our love away and chose to feel intimidated from our strength they felt the need to stamp it out of us. We need to learn to think that if they truly deserve our love to feed it rather than make us feel that no one would want us. We are special as we made of stronger stuff than most people. We endured more than most can imagine and survived. 

Peace

I usually write on here when I feel like I need something out rather that allow it to take rot in my soul but today I wanted to say something positive for any one reading our blog. I have this feeling of peace most of the time now. Often smiling at nothing as I feel safe in my own home. Correction I feel now I’m home as I never felt at home in the place I lived in for twenty years. How could I call that shell a home as not one item I chose. I even had to ask to use my own computer in the end. My home is not the tidest but it’s often filled with laughter now. The only tense days is when the kids are going over their dad’s as they don’t want to go as they never know what mood he is going to be in. Sadly they old enough to choose and still want contact. 

Anyway I’m happy without him. I don’t need anyone to make me happy or to love me as I love myself. I know I’m ready to move on as I will not bow down to a partner because if they don’t like me for me then they can get loss. I will no longer be who my partner wants me to be but who I am a survivor that can survive without validation from another person. 

Used.

I found a lot of members from our group find this the hardest part of abuse to talk about.

The nights lying balanced on the edge of the bed for a quick getaway if their partners wakes up. Hardly sleeping in fear of waking up with them on top of you but it was still better than the coldness for me?

 I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again and that’s a cold truth when I’m in my early 40’s but I sometimes still wake with my heart pumping in the early hours feeling dirty inside. Rape is the most soul destroying thing a person that claim they love you to do to another. I can name it for what it was now even though I hid from that truth for years. 

I read sometimes survivors of abuse missing their abusers but not me as mostly I sleep now and feel safe. 

I hope our blog helps others leave as that is my one regret that I never left but he ended it. The one and only thing that he did that was good for me. Don’t waste twenty years in hell like me and now watching my kids going through similar relationships. Get out and stay out for you and your family. They never change as I’ve learnt from his constant promises and if you have kids the abuse continues on as it is what they learn to expect from a partner. 

Impossible fights

• I find set backs in life hard and don’t know how to walk away from a fight even though I know I cannot win. I know for my own wellbeing I should just walk away from Amazon and not bother but I feel put down on and made to feel small again by a bully. I know I’ve done nothing wrong and I cannot possibly win against their decision but I can’t just walk away from it. I feel like I need to stand up against this bully that can decide that they can bully and remove account privalages without proff or reason but just act then refuse to even discuss it with you. For me this is again the silent treatment all over. I am taking it further even though I can’t win but no more taking it from a bully and smiling after. I could do with some support I know to just leave it alone as I know I end up feeling more helpless than strong. Amazon is bigger and knows how to pack a punch. If you want to join me in my fight with Amazon join me on my blog. I will link it in a second if you want me to walk away then that is also great. 
• Amazon wiped your account?

Amazon

I know it’s just a shopping outlet but after fleeing abuse and going into refuge/shelter Amazon removing my reviews and stopping me doing more was a very big trigger for me. 
This spiralled me into depression and questioning how stupid I am for breaching their rules and put me back to how I was In abuse. I was crying non stop and mentally name calling myself and I was on complete melt down for a day. Still not over it but learnt to shake it off better and say oh well I did nothing wrong and it’s not me.