Loneliness

I still get lonely from time to time but it is nothing of the loneliness of my own marriage. How can you be in bed with someone and feel completely alone?
He used to be my everything, but over the years he had stripped me down to nothing. I left him once six years prior to our marriage ending. I packed everything in less than a day. Passed him once as I transported mine and the children’s things over to my parents, he just looked at me but there was no response from him. It was like I was a stranger and I guess I was for him. He just wanted a woman to fuck and nothing more. That was all I had become. I would have said making love but there was no love in the act no more, so that is what we did, whether I wanted it or not. A big argument to wake up the children on a school night stopping me saying no, perched on the side of the bed for a quick run to the toilet to put him off. I wasn’t sleeping, his insults running in my head with comebacks I would be too scared to say unless they were directed at my son. He was using our son more and more to get me to go back at him taunting me so he could hit me like he wanted. Slammed up against doors was as far as he went before I screamed at him that I would never forgive him if he did. I was finding my voice again, flirting with someone that seemed to know I was in the same room as him, the same way I knew he was. He started stalking me and made my situation worse. I don’t think he meant any harm but I think he was worried about me. I looked like I was beaten down with life at the time but he made me feel that I was worth more than how my ex treated me. So I left him in floods of tears.
It was about an hour after everything was moved before my ex turned up begging me back with my letter in his hands. Pleading with me and with my dad encouraging him on, my mother with her arms folded telling my dad to shut up. For anyone who doesn’t know my mum she never stands up for herself or others when it came to my dad so this was rare but she had seen me shaking in pain after one of my partners all nighters. He read the letter out but I just shook my head. I made up my mind; I did not want to be lonely in a marriage. All the decision making with the children I did, I felt like a single mother while there were two of us. He left and my dad said well I hope you are happy, you should have done more to work on your relationship.
I should say we had never got married like I wanted. We were living in a highly religious area but still he refused to marry me. This was one of the promises he made over the next few weeks. Promising to never take me for granted or to use me for sex, he seemed genuine. I had no break from the emotional blackmail because my dad took over after my ex left the kids. They wouldn’t go anywhere with my ex as they feared him also, so I started going with them. Arriving back late when they were staying over my ex’s house. My house I should add but stupidly put my partner’s name on the tenancy so he could have a place to live when I left him. I am so stupid; I always put others first instead of my own needs. This decision lost me my own house at the time. I was stuck at my parents’ in one bed with two children. So when I felt his hand creep over when I was tricked into staying the night or leaving the children screaming for me I let him.
The honeymoon period lasted about two years; he was perfect and treated me with respect and we got married after giving me three weeks to get ready for it, so it was a bitter pill when he started to change back. Small things at first like making a mess them blaming me, or for sitting on my arse all day and not being a real woman and cleaning up, becoming rougher in sex, don’t you love me or who you getting it off? He started watching me cook or taking over, small hints that grew over the months that I was trying to poison him. Saying he was joking if you said anything. He stopped having sex unless I wore these rubber boots farmers wore, said they turned him on but I just looked stupid. Maintaining an erection was impossible to keep up. I started learning about me and what turned me on so I could be a better lover. I was blaming myself but at least he wasn’t punishing me in the bedroom no more? To be honest I would have taken that at the time as this was worse I felt.
I started writing erotica and watching porn so I know how addictive it is. It was my only sexual release at the time. I managed to teach myself to orgasm as I never had one before. There is a big difference from what women find a turn on and men and a huge difference in how graphic they are but being honest here so don’t hate me. He started reading what I wrote and reawakened his drive for sex again. We had a few steamy nights where both were satisfied for once. Until he started reading the one I put my abuse in and he started twisting that I was sick in the head, having my dad over after a screaming match and I had shut down and could not speak. Reading parts out of context to my dad of a sexual nature and saying your daughter’s is sick and I’m worried about her. I couldn’t say my side as I was in complete lock down. What altered was the fact I had started getting good reviews. Had a few authors edit and tweak my grammar in exchange for reading their work. Building a confidence from friends online that were encouraging more from me, I must add my ex put them up for sale in his bank account, not that you get a lot of money for writing.
He stood over me to make me get rid of all my books but I had forgotten about the kindle that I used for a backup when I lost my flash drive. I wrote that open letter that night for him. I felt so broken while I sat there. He started raping me again when I was asleep, watching porn when I pleasured him. It became all about him again as I was numb inside. I felt ashamed when I went over my parent’s house that something I tried to find out about sex was used against me. It wasn’t even my idea to sell them as he told my dad, I was having messages from readers when was my next coming out and still get those messages. An author that I had been talking to started a chat room; he is a real life Dom. He started writing with a help book I read that was really a good read then went into erotica. He started explaining the difference from co-dependence or natural submissive to an actual submissive one night and I was shocked to find that I am a natural submissive and trust me that is not a good thing. Basically means everyone can take advantage and no real man would touch me if he was a Dom. It opened my eyes to who I was and that was a doormat. I had often sat up at night thinking of ways to kill myself after the night my dad came over and I felt I could not take no more. The last straw was when he tore me as he penetrated me and I phoned women’s aid and the rest was history. If it wasn’t for the hospital letter going to my old address I think I might have stayed as a buffer between my ex and son. I had to leave my son behind because of his age and I couldn’t do that but that letter my ex opened and read and that I told them about him binning my medicine and he threw me out as he realised I was making plans to leave him. Thank you who was looking down on me to give me that push to leave. Six months in refuge and I have a home.

• abuse
• controlling
• depressed
• diary
• domestic violence
• emotional abuse
• ex
• ex-husband
• father