Loneliness

I still get lonely from time to time but it is nothing of the loneliness of my own marriage. How can you be in bed with someone and feel completely alone?
He used to be my everything, but over the years he had stripped me down to nothing. I left him once six years prior to our marriage ending. I packed everything in less than a day. Passed him once as I transported mine and the children’s things over to my parents, he just looked at me but there was no response from him. It was like I was a stranger and I guess I was for him. He just wanted a woman to fuck and nothing more. That was all I had become. I would have said making love but there was no love in the act no more, so that is what we did, whether I wanted it or not. A big argument to wake up the children on a school night stopping me saying no, perched on the side of the bed for a quick run to the toilet to put him off. I wasn’t sleeping, his insults running in my head with comebacks I would be too scared to say unless they were directed at my son. He was using our son more and more to get me to go back at him taunting me so he could hit me like he wanted. Slammed up against doors was as far as he went before I screamed at him that I would never forgive him if he did. I was finding my voice again, flirting with someone that seemed to know I was in the same room as him, the same way I knew he was. He started stalking me and made my situation worse. I don’t think he meant any harm but I think he was worried about me. I looked like I was beaten down with life at the time but he made me feel that I was worth more than how my ex treated me. So I left him in floods of tears.
It was about an hour after everything was moved before my ex turned up begging me back with my letter in his hands. Pleading with me and with my dad encouraging him on, my mother with her arms folded telling my dad to shut up. For anyone who doesn’t know my mum she never stands up for herself or others when it came to my dad so this was rare but she had seen me shaking in pain after one of my partners all nighters. He read the letter out but I just shook my head. I made up my mind; I did not want to be lonely in a marriage. All the decision making with the children I did, I felt like a single mother while there were two of us. He left and my dad said well I hope you are happy, you should have done more to work on your relationship.
I should say we had never got married like I wanted. We were living in a highly religious area but still he refused to marry me. This was one of the promises he made over the next few weeks. Promising to never take me for granted or to use me for sex, he seemed genuine. I had no break from the emotional blackmail because my dad took over after my ex left the kids. They wouldn’t go anywhere with my ex as they feared him also, so I started going with them. Arriving back late when they were staying over my ex’s house. My house I should add but stupidly put my partner’s name on the tenancy so he could have a place to live when I left him. I am so stupid; I always put others first instead of my own needs. This decision lost me my own house at the time. I was stuck at my parents’ in one bed with two children. So when I felt his hand creep over when I was tricked into staying the night or leaving the children screaming for me I let him.
The honeymoon period lasted about two years; he was perfect and treated me with respect and we got married after giving me three weeks to get ready for it, so it was a bitter pill when he started to change back. Small things at first like making a mess them blaming me, or for sitting on my arse all day and not being a real woman and cleaning up, becoming rougher in sex, don’t you love me or who you getting it off? He started watching me cook or taking over, small hints that grew over the months that I was trying to poison him. Saying he was joking if you said anything. He stopped having sex unless I wore these rubber boots farmers wore, said they turned him on but I just looked stupid. Maintaining an erection was impossible to keep up. I started learning about me and what turned me on so I could be a better lover. I was blaming myself but at least he wasn’t punishing me in the bedroom no more? To be honest I would have taken that at the time as this was worse I felt.
I started writing erotica and watching porn so I know how addictive it is. It was my only sexual release at the time. I managed to teach myself to orgasm as I never had one before. There is a big difference from what women find a turn on and men and a huge difference in how graphic they are but being honest here so don’t hate me. He started reading what I wrote and reawakened his drive for sex again. We had a few steamy nights where both were satisfied for once. Until he started reading the one I put my abuse in and he started twisting that I was sick in the head, having my dad over after a screaming match and I had shut down and could not speak. Reading parts out of context to my dad of a sexual nature and saying your daughter’s is sick and I’m worried about her. I couldn’t say my side as I was in complete lock down. What altered was the fact I had started getting good reviews. Had a few authors edit and tweak my grammar in exchange for reading their work. Building a confidence from friends online that were encouraging more from me, I must add my ex put them up for sale in his bank account, not that you get a lot of money for writing.
He stood over me to make me get rid of all my books but I had forgotten about the kindle that I used for a backup when I lost my flash drive. I wrote that open letter that night for him. I felt so broken while I sat there. He started raping me again when I was asleep, watching porn when I pleasured him. It became all about him again as I was numb inside. I felt ashamed when I went over my parent’s house that something I tried to find out about sex was used against me. It wasn’t even my idea to sell them as he told my dad, I was having messages from readers when was my next coming out and still get those messages. An author that I had been talking to started a chat room; he is a real life Dom. He started writing with a help book I read that was really a good read then went into erotica. He started explaining the difference from co-dependence or natural submissive to an actual submissive one night and I was shocked to find that I am a natural submissive and trust me that is not a good thing. Basically means everyone can take advantage and no real man would touch me if he was a Dom. It opened my eyes to who I was and that was a doormat. I had often sat up at night thinking of ways to kill myself after the night my dad came over and I felt I could not take no more. The last straw was when he tore me as he penetrated me and I phoned women’s aid and the rest was history. If it wasn’t for the hospital letter going to my old address I think I might have stayed as a buffer between my ex and son. I had to leave my son behind because of his age and I couldn’t do that but that letter my ex opened and read and that I told them about him binning my medicine and he threw me out as he realised I was making plans to leave him. Thank you who was looking down on me to give me that push to leave. Six months in refuge and I have a home.

Lift you up

“She’s really honest.” I heard my new nurse tell the doctor I hadn’t met yet. Turns out she’s fresh out of Med school and was overwhelmed.

“He tested positive for cocaine” I heard come over the walkie talkie she had on her scrubs. I scrunched my face- why would the woman on the other end just announce that?

Hopeful Romantic

There’s a movie called The Secret. The message of it is essentially encourages the importance of emotional intelligence and positive thinking because whatever you obsess about will come true. My ex-husband couldn’t afford much because he mowed lawns for a living, but there was a gorgeous blue house across the street that had just gone up for sale. I told him we would own that house. He thought I was absolutely crazy.

If I were to count the number of times that man called me crazy, the student loans I owe from taking college math would be worth my effort. At least those psychology classes have been worth my while.

No more

I always question my actions and find it hard with the smallest put downs. I feel sick and it is like I have missed a step going down. My heart races and I start reevaluating what I did wrong. It is out of proportion to the act or the put down. My ex only swore when he was in a rage and thankfully never used the c word, but I had slut and whore with his eyes full of hate. The constant checking up on everything I did. Accusing me of affairs, poisoning him, I couldn’t even allow our daughter to learn to swim as I was “shagging one of the dad’s”.
I freak out if my security been breached even a little bit which is why I am shocked I am doing this blog. I want to help, even though sometimes I feel myself dragged back in. Today was hard for me. To see members on a group being attacked by trolls was hard. I hate bulling at the best of times but why would people target victims of abuse I just don’t get. It is all sorted now but I know it has triggered me and I take a deep breath and will not let them beat me or others if I am there to stop it.
I am no longer that person that cowered in fear and I refuse to let others try now. I had it easy compared to some I know but the one thing I been taught is we all share similar scars. No matter what we been through we formed life time friendships and an understanding that no other person has the right to control, hit or rape us just because they are our partner. No parent has the right to put us down or to lay a finger on us in hate. We have overcome and we say no more.

Friendship

I don’t want you to go to bed mad at me is a song Matthew used to play from the other room while I tried to cry myself to sleep in our bedroom. We were in the first home as a married couple and we were so broke, we didn’t have a door on the master bedroom. My now two year old son’s room was marvelously decorated, though. Matthew had spent hours painting and my now fiancé Alex even contributed in some way, I believe. I have always made horrible choices in interior decoration, but I chose the baby blue color and brown trim; Matthew wanted antique trucks and cars.

Happiness

Some moments, when my two year old has decided to test to see whose will power is stronger, the noodles are burning on the stove, my stomach is aching and my mind is racing back to a flashback, I forget that I’m happy. Have you ever truly watched The Notebook? I write Alex’s book for him constantly and forget it as I write, so now I put it down in black and white and send it to him and even save it for myself to remind myself who I am. I have the memory of a goldfish.

Delilah – Tom Jones

Tom Jones https://youtu.be/icTSPpyub4g

True love

He started the car with his leg out of the driver’s side door; the front panel of the blue ’76 Olds Cutlass was still red from when the tire had fallen off on the highway and he had to find a replacement in the junk yard and because he worked  second shift, he hadn’t had much time to paint it yet. That and the power steering pump needed replacing, now. Alex is an amazing mechanic and I’m thankful for that- my sister and I tend to turn the music down and obsess over every noise we hear in our cars and hope it’s a cheap fix. Even though my sister has quite a lot of money saved up, she’s the type of person who knows exactly how much miles per gallon her tank holds.

Rollercoaster

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, when I read what other members have gone through I sometimes question myself. What if I read it wrong or was I the one projecting? I think if I had a physical abusive relationship I could see it and understand that I was abused. I think this is why emotional abuse is so effective in keeping us in the abuse. I think back on our good times and wonder why I wanted to leave. Then I think of our worst days and shudder but when I try to think of those in-between days I can’t think of any and that is the difference from a normal relationship. It is like a roller-coaster ride where you get those amazing highs just before the sudden drop, you know it is coming but you still feel your heart in your throat when you drop. It’s a thrill until the ride is over but with abuse you keep going on that ride. You might find the highs are not so thrilling after a time and the drops more terrifying.

Trigger Warning:

Appearances

“Mama, shoe” Dylan protested. He had been doing that a lot, along with using two word sentences; I was so proud of him. My little blond haired, hazel eyed two-year old was coming so far in his speech and his dad was missing it from behind bars.

“Mama is going to put her comfy shoes on.”

I had told him we were going to go to the park and now I was wondering why I felt the need to wear a stupid dress.