Loneliness

I still get lonely from time to time but it is nothing of the loneliness of my own marriage. How can you be in bed with someone and feel completely alone?
He used to be my everything, but over the years he had stripped me down to nothing. I left him once six years prior to our marriage ending. I packed everything in less than a day. Passed him once as I transported mine and the children’s things over to my parents, he just looked at me but there was no response from him. It was like I was a stranger and I guess I was for him. He just wanted a woman to fuck and nothing more. That was all I had become. I would have said making love but there was no love in the act no more, so that is what we did, whether I wanted it or not. A big argument to wake up the children on a school night stopping me saying no, perched on the side of the bed for a quick run to the toilet to put him off. I wasn’t sleeping, his insults running in my head with comebacks I would be too scared to say unless they were directed at my son. He was using our son more and more to get me to go back at him taunting me so he could hit me like he wanted. Slammed up against doors was as far as he went before I screamed at him that I would never forgive him if he did. I was finding my voice again, flirting with someone that seemed to know I was in the same room as him, the same way I knew he was. He started stalking me and made my situation worse. I don’t think he meant any harm but I think he was worried about me. I looked like I was beaten down with life at the time but he made me feel that I was worth more than how my ex treated me. So I left him in floods of tears.
It was about an hour after everything was moved before my ex turned up begging me back with my letter in his hands. Pleading with me and with my dad encouraging him on, my mother with her arms folded telling my dad to shut up. For anyone who doesn’t know my mum she never stands up for herself or others when it came to my dad so this was rare but she had seen me shaking in pain after one of my partners all nighters. He read the letter out but I just shook my head. I made up my mind; I did not want to be lonely in a marriage. All the decision making with the children I did, I felt like a single mother while there were two of us. He left and my dad said well I hope you are happy, you should have done more to work on your relationship.
I should say we had never got married like I wanted. We were living in a highly religious area but still he refused to marry me. This was one of the promises he made over the next few weeks. Promising to never take me for granted or to use me for sex, he seemed genuine. I had no break from the emotional blackmail because my dad took over after my ex left the kids. They wouldn’t go anywhere with my ex as they feared him also, so I started going with them. Arriving back late when they were staying over my ex’s house. My house I should add but stupidly put my partner’s name on the tenancy so he could have a place to live when I left him. I am so stupid; I always put others first instead of my own needs. This decision lost me my own house at the time. I was stuck at my parents’ in one bed with two children. So when I felt his hand creep over when I was tricked into staying the night or leaving the children screaming for me I let him.
The honeymoon period lasted about two years; he was perfect and treated me with respect and we got married after giving me three weeks to get ready for it, so it was a bitter pill when he started to change back. Small things at first like making a mess them blaming me, or for sitting on my arse all day and not being a real woman and cleaning up, becoming rougher in sex, don’t you love me or who you getting it off? He started watching me cook or taking over, small hints that grew over the months that I was trying to poison him. Saying he was joking if you said anything. He stopped having sex unless I wore these rubber boots farmers wore, said they turned him on but I just looked stupid. Maintaining an erection was impossible to keep up. I started learning about me and what turned me on so I could be a better lover. I was blaming myself but at least he wasn’t punishing me in the bedroom no more? To be honest I would have taken that at the time as this was worse I felt.
I started writing erotica and watching porn so I know how addictive it is. It was my only sexual release at the time. I managed to teach myself to orgasm as I never had one before. There is a big difference from what women find a turn on and men and a huge difference in how graphic they are but being honest here so don’t hate me. He started reading what I wrote and reawakened his drive for sex again. We had a few steamy nights where both were satisfied for once. Until he started reading the one I put my abuse in and he started twisting that I was sick in the head, having my dad over after a screaming match and I had shut down and could not speak. Reading parts out of context to my dad of a sexual nature and saying your daughter’s is sick and I’m worried about her. I couldn’t say my side as I was in complete lock down. What altered was the fact I had started getting good reviews. Had a few authors edit and tweak my grammar in exchange for reading their work. Building a confidence from friends online that were encouraging more from me, I must add my ex put them up for sale in his bank account, not that you get a lot of money for writing.
He stood over me to make me get rid of all my books but I had forgotten about the kindle that I used for a backup when I lost my flash drive. I wrote that open letter that night for him. I felt so broken while I sat there. He started raping me again when I was asleep, watching porn when I pleasured him. It became all about him again as I was numb inside. I felt ashamed when I went over my parent’s house that something I tried to find out about sex was used against me. It wasn’t even my idea to sell them as he told my dad, I was having messages from readers when was my next coming out and still get those messages. An author that I had been talking to started a chat room; he is a real life Dom. He started writing with a help book I read that was really a good read then went into erotica. He started explaining the difference from co-dependence or natural submissive to an actual submissive one night and I was shocked to find that I am a natural submissive and trust me that is not a good thing. Basically means everyone can take advantage and no real man would touch me if he was a Dom. It opened my eyes to who I was and that was a doormat. I had often sat up at night thinking of ways to kill myself after the night my dad came over and I felt I could not take no more. The last straw was when he tore me as he penetrated me and I phoned women’s aid and the rest was history. If it wasn’t for the hospital letter going to my old address I think I might have stayed as a buffer between my ex and son. I had to leave my son behind because of his age and I couldn’t do that but that letter my ex opened and read and that I told them about him binning my medicine and he threw me out as he realised I was making plans to leave him. Thank you who was looking down on me to give me that push to leave. Six months in refuge and I have a home.

Moving on

I went on a date last weekend. I did not fancy him much from his photo but he seemed nice. Yes it was a dating site but I thought I have not been with another man for twenty years and I needed to make a start on my new life since the separation. Been separated now a year and I cannot ever imagining being sexual with a man again but I will not let my fear hold me back from healing. So I agreed to meet this man.
He kept on refusing to meet me at the place of choice no matter how hard I pushed and a friend that I met through the dating site told me to hold my ground and to stay safe. Just wished my friend lived close because he checks up on me and we seem to have the same sense of humor. I stopped messaging this man I was going on the date with for him to do a complete turnaround and agreed to meet me where I felt safe.
I waited in my car shaking when I saw him ride up on the bike and took a deep breath and went over to meet him. Not a looker but OK we see how it goes but as I got near I noticed how dirty he was. My heart sank but I had my excuse to leave after an hour ready.
The barman kept ignoring him so I stuck my hand up shyly and he was there in a flash and I could tell this date was going to get worst. He did not seem to like me ordering a coke, even though I had my money ready to pay. He ushered me out to the smoker area. I was starving but they don’t serve food there. He quickly lit up a cigarette and went through them so fast. I don’t smoke so was not happy sitting outside. He had a nasty turn in his eye that made it look like glass but that wasn’t the reason his eyes wandered every time a woman came outside to smoke. This man kept saying that he respected women and would never hurt one but he couldn’t stop leering at them.
I was glad my drink was finished. It was just over an hour but there was nothing there between us. I made my excesses and before I could get up he lunged at me, grabbing me round the neck to pull me in for a kiss. I was screaming, no,no,no in my head. At least I hope it was in my head? I panicked but managed to squirm away and duck in time before the kiss and he managed the top of my head.
I know you thinking where is the positive bit here but it was the fact I picked up the pieces and have started to move forward to a better future, how you ask? Before I might have allowed the kiss for fear of wounding the man, I know how weak was I to allow a man I had nothing in common with or found attractive to kiss me? I have always been easily pressured into things but I stayed in control. I also had my online friend texting me to check if I was OK. I told friends and my mum where I was and I took the car to remain sober. I am proud of my first step in healing.

No more

I always question my actions and find it hard with the smallest put downs. I feel sick and it is like I have missed a step going down. My heart races and I start reevaluating what I did wrong. It is out of proportion to the act or the put down. My ex only swore when he was in a rage and thankfully never used the c word, but I had slut and whore with his eyes full of hate. The constant checking up on everything I did. Accusing me of affairs, poisoning him, I couldn’t even allow our daughter to learn to swim as I was “shagging one of the dad’s”.
I freak out if my security been breached even a little bit which is why I am shocked I am doing this blog. I want to help, even though sometimes I feel myself dragged back in. Today was hard for me. To see members on a group being attacked by trolls was hard. I hate bulling at the best of times but why would people target victims of abuse I just don’t get. It is all sorted now but I know it has triggered me and I take a deep breath and will not let them beat me or others if I am there to stop it.
I am no longer that person that cowered in fear and I refuse to let others try now. I had it easy compared to some I know but the one thing I been taught is we all share similar scars. No matter what we been through we formed life time friendships and an understanding that no other person has the right to control, hit or rape us just because they are our partner. No parent has the right to put us down or to lay a finger on us in hate. We have overcome and we say no more.

Rollercoaster

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, when I read what other members have gone through I sometimes question myself. What if I read it wrong or was I the one projecting? I think if I had a physical abusive relationship I could see it and understand that I was abused. I think this is why emotional abuse is so effective in keeping us in the abuse. I think back on our good times and wonder why I wanted to leave. Then I think of our worst days and shudder but when I try to think of those in-between days I can’t think of any and that is the difference from a normal relationship. It is like a roller-coaster ride where you get those amazing highs just before the sudden drop, you know it is coming but you still feel your heart in your throat when you drop. It’s a thrill until the ride is over but with abuse you keep going on that ride. You might find the highs are not so thrilling after a time and the drops more terrifying.

Trigger Warning:

I think we should be taught the early warning signs in school.

I think we should be taught in schools what the early signs are to warn us of an abusive partner. I still think that my ex-husband did not show any earlier signs but since I started this blog with the others some are coming back to me. It is very easy to forget the hurt and pain or lack of respect they had shown us but we put down to too much to drink or we made them angry. I will start from a previous ex-boyfriend before I move onto my husband of twenty years. Dell (yes that is his real name,) he never treated me that badly but we never moved on from casual even though I thought it was more serious at the time.

The Good Wives Guide (1950’s guide to new wives.)

Have dinner ready.

Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

27

I nestled my head in his shoulder a little deeper. Trying not to become addicted to his smell, I felt him rub his hands up and down my back. I shuddered; usually that meant I was expected to have sex. I had already pulled away from him and told him I hadn’t eaten all day. Lunch was sitting there piping hot ready before work to prove that he was appreciated. Matthew always reminded me how much he hated eating my “leftovers”. How hard is it to use a microwave, really? At least I cook for you and I’m darn good at it, too. Dizziness struck me like it always did around this time, but my inquisitive look took over my face; why didn’t I say goodbye to him before he left for work? Matthew would ask everyone who would listen why his wife didn’t greet him at the door in a good mood when he got home from work, especially when I was standing right there.

“Sometimes I need the chance to say good-bye to you before work so we can do this.” I mumbled into his ear and sunk into him as the tension left my body. I fought back tears.

“Are you okay?”

He knows me. I forget this, sometimes.

Meeting my partner’s ex-girlfriend.

Meeting my partner’s ex-girlfriend.
It started out as hints about how he would like to meet his son by an ex-girlfriend. I thought it was a great idea as I would hate my children not seeing their dad. His ex lived away but I encouraged him to write to her about meeting his son. Little did I know at the time it was so he could try to get cheaper child maintenance from her and not actually meeting his son.
A few months later we had a phone call asking if his son could write to him before meeting him. She sounded nervous on the phone but we agreed to allow him to write. We had a few badly written letters but the child seemed sweet but scared. I did most of the reading of the letters telling my partner what to write. I could tell my partner did not want to write back but I put it down to his lack of conference in writing skills. I still wanted to believe he wanted to meet his son.

So I thought…

As a woman of God and His masterpiece,  because we all are,  I fare to be a compassionate, loving soul, who finds very little fault in everyone, inclusive of my husband. I say “my husband,” because we have yet to be divorced: God’s holding the pen — thus,  making him suffer a little longer (big Kool-aid smile).

For so many years, I did  what I wanted to do and did it, without any remorse whatsoever,  ever so fearful  of My Heavenly Father…always in the back of my mind. As much as I love the sun, hell is no place for me. I’m just trying to ‘Walk by Faith, and Not By Sight;”  walking with The One, who has brought me this far.

Open Letter

The end of my dream.
I am sitting at my computer wondering if I have anything to live for. I know I have two beautiful children but my hopes and dreams lay in shreds. I just needed something to keep me from losing my mind, my soul mate my lover and my life has finally destroyed me by taking my last. I knew it was wrong but when you cannot get the man you love to want to spend time with you, you look somewhere else for attention. You say you love me but never want to do the things I want to do. Is that love, if it is all about what the other one wants to do? I hate garden centers but dutifully go with you, encourage your dreams when you never show me one piece of encouragement but stamp out anything you feel does not fit in with your idea of a perfect life.