The end of my dream.
I am sitting at my computer wondering if I have anything to live for. I know I have two beautiful children but my hopes and dreams lay in shreds. I just needed something to keep me from losing my mind, my soul mate my lover and my life has finally destroyed me by taking my last. I knew it was wrong but when you cannot get the man you love to want to spend time with you, you look somewhere else for attention. You say you love me but never want to do the things I want to do. Is that love, if it is all about what the other one wants to do? I hate garden centers but dutifully go with you, encourage your dreams when you never show me one piece of encouragement but stamp out anything you feel does not fit in with your idea of a perfect life.
Anyway, I babbling, I have agreed to end my dreams for my family. I love them all and happily squash out my own happiness for them. I will smile again once I find the strength to fake it. The tears keep coming; it feels like a death in the family. Maybe I have died inside and I am crying for myself.
Twenty-four hours of tears, but they still will not stop. I do not want to eat or drink. Just leave me alone in my filth and I think I could sleep. Do not talk to me I do not want to explain how I feel. No I am not all right, why do you keep asking me? Do you think it will be okay if you ask me every few minutes, as if I could forget what I have giving up for you.
Should I talk to someone about how I am feeling, but who? I have no friends or family who would understand, the only one I have ever been able to talk to about things, is the one who wanted this. Therefore, I will keep quiet and smile when I get the strength, but I cannot summon the strength. Should I go and see my doctor?
“Sorry Doctor, just give me something to numb my life.” I do not think that will help, she could give me antidepressants and hopefully it could give me a new dream. Who am I kidding I do not want to dream anymore…
Why do my tears keep falling, I need to grow up and pull myself together. It was only my dreams not my life that has ended. Smile the children are getting up, do I look as if I am faking it? Sorry I am trying to fool you, but never been good at acting. My head feels as if it is going to explode, how many tablets have I taken? Two, no more for a few hours, should I find something stronger? However, I know nothing will help, this is my body’s way at saying I am still alive, keep breathing even if you wish it would end this misery I am in.
Ryan is still asleep. I cannot bring myself to wake him because everyone is ashamed of my twisted mind. Maybe they are better off without a mother like me. I need to hide this because I do not wish to cause any more pain only of something to pour my feeling into, but it will look as if I am deliberately trying to hurt you as you rip it apart.
I told you that I put my feelings down in this letter and you did not want to know. Now I know you do not love me because if you did you would want to understand how I feel. You said you never wanted me to change but you do not like who I am when I write. I have tried to change for you but you say I am not the woman you married. What do you want from me? An empty shell or a real woman to hold, you cannot have both.
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